The house of cards on which I stand is wobbling. Will I fall? I am hiding here in this beautiful place, trying to write. Will I finish the edits to my two books before the life of my dreams falls apart?
The most recent card to fall was the rain last night. I allowed myself to be convinced it would only rain a little bit, not enough to hurt the hay if we cut it. The best time to bale the hay had passed. Maybe the storms would completely skip over us, like they have before. Against my better judgement, I said yes– okay, cut it.
If you were in the Midwest last night, or are in the East today, or if you watched the news, you know what happened. IT POURED!
So now, 70% of my hay crop–what I use to feed my horses throughout the winter–is ruined. It’s soaked, beige-gray in color. Useless. And if the wet hay lying in the field doesn’t get baled soon, it will ruin any hopes for hay crops in the future. The wet muck will smother the plants beneath if it doesn’t get removed–possibly kill them.
Today the sun is shining, but will the hay dry enough to be baled? On Saturday it’s supposed to rain again, maybe for another two days. I believe the weatherman this time. Granted, he’s been wrong 80% of the time in the past, no maybe 90%, when weather he claimed was a sure thing failed to materialize. So today is the only chance we have to get the hay up.
After eighteen years of growing our own hay, this is the worse outcome ever! Horse hay is not supposed to get wet once it is cut. Rain turns it into cow hay or, of even less value, compost. I’m worried I won’t have anything to feed my horses through the winter.
Having no hay would be the first card falling for me–the house of cards on which I stand. The bad economy has been devastating for us these last five years, like for so many others. I’ve been barely holding on.
Now I feel like I’m slipping. I’m even having dreams where I am so overwhelmed, I decide I actually want to move. But it was only a dream. Wasn’t it? Will one rain storm put my way of life in jeopardy? The first of many cards to fall? I hope not.
If circumstances became so bad that I had to move, it would mean giving up on a life-long dream. Living on this land has been a dream come true for me. I’m not ready to let it go.
If I had to, it would mean moving all that I have accumulated in these past eighteen years of living in one place. The disruption would be so great, it would put the screeches on a promising writing career. I’m editing two books, one of which has already won multiple awards at writers’ conferences. I have feedback for a rewrite. Now all I need is the time and focus to finish it.
I have a window of opportunity here–with editors and agents. I don’t want to screw it up. I fear that I might. Okay, I said it. That is my biggest fear right now. Not that I wouldn’t survive, but that I wouldn’t succeed.
So, I’ve lost one card of the foundation on which I stand. That’s it. I can’t take any more right now. No more problems. Please. I just need some time, some uninterrupted time, so that I can finish the editing process.
I’ll keep you posted to let you know if the Universe is listening.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there in the internet world is listening to me. So, if you are there, please leave a comment. It would cheer me on greatly. A Follow-me by E-mail would be nice, too. Thanks for listening, whoever you are. When times are hard, it helps just to be heard.